Magnificent Sadness
by ghm
Summary: A dying wish that reignites old flames. But memory lane can be more painful than anticipated. Also known as "The Increasingly Difficult and Unending Mystery Of James Cook." AU!Season Seven [J.C. E.S.]


A/N: I don't think I have ever been this nervous about this story. I wrote about 89% of this a couple of months ago and then abandoned it for some reason. I have about eight chapters of this, but am only posting the first one. If this gets a good response I will post the rest! I know this fandom is kind of dead so I hope a few people read this! For the past week or so I just couldn't get Cook and Effy, and finishing this story out of my brain. But I'm worried (or a little terrified) that I haven't written Effy and Cook in character. I did the best I could, I've never written for these characters or characters like this before. But since this is an AU, I wanted to write Effy a little more evolved and a little less cold and mysterious. I know if I keep writing this, I'm going to ramble more so I'll leave you with this: please enjoy! And if you do leave a review to let me know you want more chapters.

* * *

Effy Stonem stood in a hospital hallway with her face pressed deep in her palms and her back pressed hard against the wall. This hadn't been the first time she'd smelt strong chemicals while fluorescent lights failed to dry the tears on her cheeks. It wasn't the first time she had been sat in a hospital while someone she loved lay in a bed, and she feared it wouldn't be the last. It hurt more remembering the feeling she had gotten watching her brother struggle for air and cry out for help when he had been in his hospital bed. And now, she was forced to watch her best friend fight the same battle, expect her's would end differently.

Effy uncovered her eyes briefly to see a frail and fragile Naomi take struggled breathes, while a distraught Emily rubbed circles on her skin. Effy wished she could have said she didn't know what Emily was going through, but she knew all too well. She silently hoped that Emily wouldn't seek her out for comfort because she knew she couldn't do anything to ease her mind. How can you tell someone who's love is dying, that it never gets easier? That you still see their face in your dreams and feel their weight in your heart? How can you tell them that the nagging missing feeling never lets up?

You spend your life torn between running from their memory and giving every last bit of strength you have to keep them alive in your mind.

Effy still saw his face. Sometimes he was smiling and it made her heart swell and sometimes he was scowling and the guilt ate her alive. He was long dead and decayed, but even the picture in her mind of him displeased made her get the urge to pull at her skin and tug at the roots of her hair.

She still remembered the feeling of Cook's arms around her as she cried into his shoulder after he had broke the news to her. She had breathed in his calming scent of smoke and aftershave while he did everything he could to soothe her. She remembered begging him to stay with her overnight, terrified of what gruesome dreams her mind would conjure up if she was alone. Effy liked to pretend he had stayed, but deep down she knew he had just waited until her body gave over to sleep, then had washed the blood off his hands and slipped away. The nightmares she had had that night only proved this.

She wished he would have stayed. She wished she could have said goodbye.

"Effy?" A broken voice chimed from beside her.

Effy raised her head to attention, to see Emily's swollen red eyes staring back at her.

"Are you alright?" She asked, stepping forward slightly.

Effy scoffed, "Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"

Emily just shrugged, "We both know how I am."

The two girls stood in a tense silence as Effy tried to muster up a positive word. But she couldn't. Naomi was dying, and they both felt the impact.

"She'd like to speak to you." Emily said after a minute.

Effy just nodded, then brushed past the heartbroken girl to the room across from them.

"I'll be here when you're done." She spoke again.

Effy didn't respond again, she just merely shook her head before opening the heavy door and walking inside.

She had been in many hospital rooms, the most notably were her own and her brother's. But somehow Naomi's was worse. When it was her own room, it had been after she'd tried to kill herself and when she had been injected with far too potent of drugs. For Tony, it was after his bus accident. Tony's had been worse than either of her stays, but for both siblings, there had always been in end in sight. Even in Tony's worse condition, the Stonem's had been told he would live. For Effy, it was the same thing, she had been hurt, battered, broken… but she would live. Therefore, Effy felt plagued by Naomi's hospital room. They both knew she would never leave. The eminent feeling of death hung in the balance every time Effy stepped over the threshold to see her friend. The feeling was nauseating.

Effy walked carefully to Naomi's bed side and sat in the chair in which Emily had been. She placed both her hands over Naomi's, consciously staying clear of pressing too hard on the IV that was placed on the top of it. At the feeling of Effy's skin, Naomi opened her eyes and a small smile spread across her lips.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Is she out there crying again?" Naomi asked, shifting slightly in her bed.

"She put on a brave face for me. I wouldn't be surprised if she is now, though."

"Always such a crybaby… I mean it's not like I'm dying or anything!" She cracked sarcastically.

Both girls chuckled macabrely.

"Always the comedian…" Effy shook her head and Naomi smiled.

"I've got to do something to liven this place up. It's bloody depressing in here, init?" Naomi said.

"Yeah, it's almost like it's a cancer ward or something." Effy smirked while Naomi laughed.

"Now look who's cracking jokes." She said through her chuckles.

Naomi continued to laugh quietly, before her face drew serious.

"But it is a cancer ward, y'know? All jokes aside… it just is. And I'm fucking here… I'm fucking here because I have cancer. Cancer… and I'm fucking dying, Eff." Naomi avoided Effy's eyes. The last portion of her sentence was said with a far-off despondence.

Effy noted that it seemed she was still trying to convince herself that this was all real. The death was quite literally around the corner.

"I'm aware." She replied, looking down at her hands wrapped around Naomi's pale ones.

"I'm dying, Eff. And when I go, I want my favorite people there with me, right? My favorite people, that's what I decided."

"Me and Ems aren't going anywhere. I'll quit my bloody job to stay here with you and you know Em would do the same." Effy reassured, sitting a little straighter in her seat than before.

"I know that." Naomi nodded.

She took a long pause and opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Her mouth flapped open and shut like a fish and forehead began to pinch together. An uncomfortable distress was clear on her face.

"Spit it out will ya?" Effy joked.

When Naomi didn't laugh, Effy became still.

"You two have got to be two of my favorite people in the world. But I want to go out in a blaze of fucking glory with the two of you and… well…" Naomi struggled again.

"Who? Is it your Mum or someone?"

"Cook."

Effy held her breath.

Like the many ghosts in her past, Cook was one she didn't let herself think about. She couldn't. If she thought about him, what they'd been through, what he did, what she did… everything would come back. The flood gates would open.

And that couldn't happen.

She was different now. She assumed so was he. She couldn't think about him, as she was sure he didn't think of her.

"I know you don't like to talk about him, and I know that tosser went and fucked off ages ago but…"

Naomi cursed under her breath before continuing, "But, fuck Ef, I love him. I love him and I want to see him one last time."

"And?"

"And I wanna ask you to find him."

"No offence, Naoms, but I can't do that. No one has heard from him in ages." Effy reasoned a little too quickly.

"I know, I just… just try. Please?"

"Why me? Isn't there-"

"You bloody know why."

Effy finally looked into her best friend's eyes. They were paler than they had been before. She didn't know if that was a side effect from the drugs or if Effy's mind was just playing tricks on her. But she saw the pleading look that the eyes were giving and it made her heart hurt.

Effy knew that Naomi hated asking for help, she hated being weak and never wanted to be perceived as such. She was cold and bitter and would rather die than be handed something she didn't work for. And right now, this same strong, obstinate woman was begging Effy for help. She couldn't just deny her plea, even if she did think it was hopeless and searching for him would lead her down a dark path. But for Naomi, she'd do it.

"You can never make anything easy on me, can you?" Effy sighed, telling Naomi in her own way that she agreed to the task.

"It wouldn't be me if I made this a walk in the park, would it?"

* * *

"So, what'd you say?" Emily asked from the floor, her back leaning against the hallway wall, with her arms wrapped around her shins.

"I couldn't just say no, could I?" Effy shrugged, looking anymore but at Emily.

"You could've." Emily challenged.

Moving her eyes towards Emily, Effy sighed and let her back slide down the wall so she was now opposite Emily.

"He can't be found, but I wasn't going to fight her on it."

"How do you know?" Emily asked.

Effy's face tightened and she looked away. She didn't know. But pretending he had disappeared for good was easier than thinking he was out there and never called.

"It'd be nice to see him… y'know have a pint like old times?" Emily encouraged.

"Old times are overrated, Emily."

"Maybe for you. But not for her." She gestured towards the door. "Don't beat yourself up if you can't find him… but just-"

"I know." Effy cut her off. "I will."

She pushed herself up from the ground and dusted off her trousers, before giving Emily a small smile and walking towards the exit.

"Effy?" Emily spoke when Effy was almost too far away to hear her.

She turned to see Emily now standing in the center of the hall. Her fists were balled tight at her side, the sleeves of her sweatshirt trapped inside them.

"Does it ever get easier?" She asked while shifting her weight between her feet and clenching her hands awkwardly.

Effy sighed at the question and began to prepare a lie, but said nothing. She felt a sullen look take over her expression, and by the change in Emily's she knew she had gotten the message.

No, it didn't.

* * *

Effy had made it a habit to sleep in a small ball on the side of her bed. She used to lay spread out like a starfish in the center, but since living with Naomi that had changed. Effy valued her privacy and solitude, but Naomi never let her have it. She would barge in clamoring about one thing or another and always end up sleeping next to her at night. Effy fucking hated it. Though, she always gave in and let her friend stay in the bed overnight. So, when Naomi's health worsened and she started to spend most nights at the hospital, Effy still left the space for her. Almost like she hoped she would pop in at any second with a beer in one hand and a PopTart in the other, blathering about this, that and a third.

Tonight, Effy lay wrapped around a pillow looking out into the dark of her bedroom. She felt the thoughts of finding Cook, and Naomi's worsening condition were a curse on her subconscious. Every time she would drift off or start to think about something else, one of the aforementioned topics would unsuspectedly pop back into her head. Then one thought would lead to the other and cause Effy's stomach to churn.

She felt like Cook was climbing his way back into her, after all the effort she had made to rid her body and mind of him entirely. But now that he had become prevalent again, all she could see was his face, and all she could hear was the sound of his almost silent sobs the last night she has seen him. He was flooding her again. She couldn't fight him anymore. The Sea Of Cook, that had drown her many times before was beginning to pool at her feet once again. Effy almost chuckled; he always found a way to get under her skin…

Even after years of denying his memory he still crept up on her every once and a while. But never as strong as this. He was pestering her now, he was keeping her awake with his signature laugh and trademark grin. He wouldn't leave her alone.

Knowing it was going to be impossible to rest, Effy sat up out of bed and walked to her closet. She pushed aside all her clothing, the strong sound of the metal handers against the steel bar the held them echoed the room. She rooted around through random boxes and file folders on a shelf above her, until she found what she was looking for. Taking the shoe box down, she tucked it under her arm and found her way back to her bed. Once sat with her legs tucked underneath herself, she took the top off the box and set it aside.

Inside were sentimental momentous from her life. Effy had worked hard to convey a hard, careless exterior, but she was soft and sentimental deep in her core. Out of the box she first picked up a small plastic baggy. Effy smiled and eyed its content closely. It was half of the first joint Tony had ever let her smoke with him. After much begging and nagging at the young age of ten, Tony had finally given in and let her stand outside with him and Sid as they all passed the joint around. Effy recalled Sid nudging her brother and commenting that Effy didn't even cough on her first hit. She swore she could still feel the cold, wet cement under her bare feet.

"She's a natural." He said laughing quietly and Effy had smiled wide.

The next item was an old jelly bracelet Pandora had given to her. When they had first met, Effy had been persistent in her efforts in not befriending her. But Pandora had handed her this bracelet, that had been previously on her wrist, with the sentiment:

"It's pretty and my favorite, just like you."

After that Effy could never find herself parting with it or the strange girl.

Effy saw the two items that she had gotten the box down to look at, but didn't touch them yet. Instead she dumped out the box onto her duvet to get what was at the very bottom. It came out and covered the rest of the little keepsakes. Effy slowly picked it up and ran her fingers over the fabric.

Tony's green sweater. It had been his favorite as a teenager and Effy would often sleep in it when he was in the hospital, even wearing it for days straight when he was first admitted after his accident. The sweater had felt like all she had left of her brother at the time, so she clung to it. Somehow after Tony was better, he had figured this out. Whether it had been from how the sweater now smelled suspiciously like his younger sister or how worn the ends of the sleeves now looked, Tony had figured out the attachment Effy had made to it. When he went off to University, he left the green sweater folded on the center of her bed. She only broke it out when she was feeling especially broken, lost, depressed or in need of comforting. She thought this was a good time to use it.

Effy slipped the sweater over her nightgown and wrapped the loose fabric tight around herself. She buried her nose in the collar and breathed in and felt much calmer and settled than before. Even now at the age of twenty-one her older brother was her ultimate source of solace.

With the sweater on, Effy felt brave enough to pick up the small leather bracelet that lay next to a wrinkled picture. Running the bracelet between her thumb and pointer finger, she felt the familiar feeling of tears sting her eyes. This was the last vestige of Freddie she had. She'd burned all her belongings long ago, which had included everything he had given her, every picture they had taken and every note he'd written her. Somehow, she had forgotten to destroy the bracelet in her midst of agony and grief. She was going to toss it out but never found the strength do it. It was all there was left of him in her life. Throwing it away would mean he was gone for good and even after four years she couldn't bare the idea. She pressed the leather circle to her chest and willed away her tears the best she could. When she regained her composure, she looked down at the picture that sat close to her leg.

In the same hand that still held the bracelet, she picked up the picture. It was still glossy, but it had creases in it from being folded repeatedly throughout the years. She rubbed her finger down the creases while starring into the smiling faces of the people in the photo.

The moment seemed to have been ages ago and Effy almost didn't recognize herself.

The photograph pictured herself and Cook in the winter they went on the run. He was holding the camera out to take the picture. His mouth was open and Effy could clearly tell he was laughing at something by the way his eyes were crinkled. She was stood next him, curled into his side as to fit into the frame with a small smile on her face. _It was the type of smile that you give when you are desperately trying not to smile, but you simply can't hold it back_. She didn't remember how Cook had acquired the disposable camera, where they were or even how he had gotten the photo developed. But she remembered getting the picture in the mail…

It had shown a few days after he had skipped town. Her mother had come into her room to find her in Tony's green sweater with her arms wrapped around herself. Not even the sound of the door opening could make her rip her eyes away from the ceiling. She had been in a catatonic state since the night Cook told her why his knuckles were stained and why there were tears on his cheeks.

"This came in the post addressed to you." Anthea's soft voice said.

Effy made no sign of moving to retrieve the letter, or that she had even heard her mother.

So, Anthea set a white envelope on Effy's chest, in hopes that this would be her best shot of getting her daughter to look at anything besides the ceiling.

It had worked, because Effy had hesitantly looked down at her chest and slowly opened the envelope. When she looked inside all that it contained was the photo she now held in her hand. No letter, no indication of where he had went, nothing. Just the photo. On the back, there was no personalized message or funny anecdote. It just read, in Cook's rough handwriting:

 _James and Elizabeth '09._

Effy furrowed her brow and ran her thumb over the curve of Cook's sharp jaw line, forever captured in time.

"Where the hell are you?"


End file.
